Lightbulbs in the World of Darkness
 
How many Tremere does it take to change a lightbulb?
None ("You will change my lightbulb" `I will change your lightbulb...'
"You will forget you ever saw me" `I will forget I ever saw you...'

Ravnos: "Lightbulb? What lightbulb?"

Ventrue: None. They have flunkies for that sort of thing.

Toreador: 1 Artiste to put it in and 2 Poseurs to critique the performance.

Malkavian: 5 to hold the Giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.

Setites: They prefer the dark, but if you really want it changed, we have
just the bulb for you . . . for a price.

Assamite:1, provided the price is right.

Tremere: Six. One to notice the light bulb is broken, one to tell the
Chantry head, one to conjure a new bulb, one to levitate the old one out,
one to levitate the new one in, and one to dominate the old one into
forgetting it ever happened.

Malkavians: None. We have auspex, silly.

Malkavians: "It's MY bulb, dammit! I took it and it spoke to me and now it's MINE!"

Malkavians: Which bulb?

Malkavians: (The word eater was here)

Malkavians: "Oh yeah? Prove that it needs changing."

Brujah: "Hey, you can change your own stinking lightbulb!"

Nosferatu: DO they have light bulbs down there?

Salubri: 2. One to heal the old bulb, and one to watch the door for Tremere.

Giovanni: 3. One to put it in and two to summon and control the spirit of the old one.

Children of Osiris: 2. One to change the lightbulb and one to cleanse the first one of it's sins.

Daughters of Cacophony 2. One to blast the old one out of it's socket and one to put the new one in.

Samedi: 4. One to rot the old bulb away, one to put the new one in,
and two to summon and control the spirit of the old one.

Tzimisce:
Only one, but he has to sleep with the old one every night.

Lasombra:
"Oh, we don't need to change the bulb. It's just been shrouded."

Gangrel:
Only one, but if he's using protean, he's munchkin.

Gargoyle: "Touch this bulb and you're dead."

NON-VAMPIRES:(you have been warned)

Hunters: One, if he has faith that the light bulb WILL be changed.

Mummies:
None. The light bulb will be reborn in a few hundred years.

Gypsies: What bulb?

Lupines: Two. One to put it in and one to go out and kill something to
celebrate the rite of bulb-changing.

Sam Haights:
One, if he can get enough lupine skins.

Mages:
500. One to transmute the bulb into a new one, and 499 to cover the 'dox.

Wraiths: Only one, but you have to smash the bulb first.

Changelings:
Only one, but the new bulb will produce funny colors.

How many Ahrouns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two to fight for the honor of being the one chosen to journey to the Scab in
quest of the lightbulb. Two to fight for the honor of being the one chosen
to put the lightbulb in. And and entire pack to patrol the perimeter while
the lightbulb is being screwed in, lest the Wyrm chose this moment of
vulnerability to attack...

Philodox?
Six: Two to describe the merits of 40 watts vs. 70 watts... One to mediate
the dispute, One to cite meaningful portions of the Litany (Does "The Veil
Shall Not Be Lifted" include lampshades?) One to keep the Get and the Furies
from throating eachother as they bump around in the dark while waiting for the
bulb to be changed, and one to screw it in.

Ragabash?
Hmm... Haven't tried that yet...

Ragabash?
Shh! You'll spoil everything! The Wyrm can't see us in the dark! (Also see: Famous Last Words)

Red Talons?
Weaver thing. Kill.

Black Furies?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Black Furies?
One to change the lightbulb, and three to frenzy over the violation of the
socket.

Bone Gnawers?
F**k, they'd _eat_ it..

Fianna?
One to screw it in, and nine to write bad poems and songs about it..

Fianna?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and another to drink until the room starts spinning..

Children of Gaia?
Ten: One to change it, and nine to "experience" it..

Children of Gaia?
No,no,no. We cannot change the light bulb until it's ready to change, and
besides, it wouldn' be burned out if we hadn't imposed the Impergium for so long..

How many Get of Fenris does it t... Aaaccckk.. brbl.. let go of my
(gasp).. throat... ack... Bloody Clays, it was just a... acck... Joke... (where's a stick?) AAACK!!

Glass Walkers?
Only one but it'll cost ya..

Glass Walkers?
Wouldn't that break the Litany?

Silent Striders?
Only one, but he'd go all the way to Tokyo for the bulb.. and charge the mileage.

Silver Fangs?
Four: One to talk, about the great light bulb screwings of days past, one to
consult a sise ancestor about the proper techniques of light bulb
insertion, one to screw it in, and one to remind him to stop talking into space and
screw in the lightbulb.

Stargazers?
Leave the bulb dead. The bloody light pollution interferes with my skywatching!!

Stargazers?
None, Stargazers see by their own inner light.

Stargazers?
The use of lightbulbs only binds you further to this poor material world...

Shadow Lords?
One, but you have to make him alpha or he won't even consider it...

Uktena?
One to keep everyone else away while the others... Let's just say it gets screwed in and leave it at that!

Uktena?
Why, none, of course.. They'd rather leave everyone else in the dark.

Wendigo?
Only weak whites need light bulbs...

And finally....

How many Garou sitting around a fire pit does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
Twelve: One to explain the Garou way of light bulbs to the cubs, one to
make wisecracks, three to talk about other Garou behind their backs, two to
growl vauge threats at each other, one to show how ignorant the lupus can be of
the homid's strange technology, and Four to wonder at the tragedy and woe
implicit in the Garou way of life...
HEY! WAIT! None of them are actually screwing in the lightbulb!!

Q:How many Assamites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A(1):One. He tries to change the lightbulb, and if he succeeds the
lightbulb is changed and he claims a hefty reward. If he doesn't, the
Assamites swear never to attempt to change that lightbulb again.
A(2):One. And for a reasonable price, the new one will burn out too.

Q:How many Gangrels of Andorra does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:All of them. The clan must decide if this is the great darkness they
were meant to battle.

Q:How many Tremere does it take to change a lightbulb?
A(1): None. Tremere (generation 3rd) wants his lightbulb changed. He
orders the appropriate member of the Inner Council to change it. This
orders the Pontifex of the area to change it, who commands the Lord under
him to do it. The Lord commands the Regent of some distant chantry to make
the change. The Regent now looks at the lowliest Neonate of the clan to do
it. The Neonate then uses Dominate on some poor Caitiff who changes the bulb.

A(2): Three. One changes the lightbulb while two others cast rituals on
it. The first ritual makes the lightbulb's lifespan infinite and the other
deals two points of Aggravated damage to anyone touching it.

A(3): None. They still believe that lightbulbs are magical things with
fire elementals bound to them. If the lightbulb burns out, it means the
fire elemental is angry with the Tremere and they must preform quests for
it to please it again. (And you ask what is the point of playing a Tremere Neonate)

Q: How many Antediluvians does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?
A: WWII was fought over that issue.

Q:How many Samuel Haights does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:One. He changes the lightbulb. Then he smashes 10 other lightbulbs
apart, studies them, and gains the ability to radiate light.

Q:How many members of the NWO does it take to change a lightbulb?

A(1):One. He comes to the room and changes the lightbulb, effectively and
utterly without emotions. After he has done that (and destroyed some
enemies of the Technocracy in the process) he leaves the place and after a
short while no-one remembers he ever visited the place.
The lightbulb was never changed. Right?

A(2):None. What NWO?

Q: How many Redcaps does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?
A: One. He intimidates the lamp until it burns again.

Q:How many Black Spiral Dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Five. The Ahroun first rips apart the door to the room where the banes
have caused the lightbulb to cease its light. Then the Theurge contacts
the Electricity Elemental who is responsible for the light of the bulb. He
starts bargaining with the Elemental. By this time
the Ahroun has found something nice to bash and is starting to annoy the
pack's Theurge. They are almost at each others' throats, when the Philodox
comes in and calms everyone with a nice .45 magnum with silver bullets.
With the Theurge and Ahroun dead, the Philodox must himself change the
lightbulb, and while doing that, the Ragabash cloaked with the Blur of
Milky Eye switches on the power, electrifying the Philodox, who charges
the Ragabash in blind rage. The latter runs away and the first of course
follows. The Galliard is left in the room, and whilst having nothing
else to do, "lights" the bulb with a nice burst of Balefire.

Q: How many Silver Fangs does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?

A(1):They have a phobia about darkness and cannot change it.

A(2):When the lamp burned out, they all went into Harano.

Q:How many members of Clan Giovanni does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:None. They just need a few to bring the lightbulb back to life in the Clan's servitude.

Q:How many Ravnos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:One. But to change it into what? A banana?

Q:How many members of Project Twilight does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Lightbulb changed. Government denies knowledge.

Q: How many Satyrs does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?
A: One, but don't ask him to screw it in.

Q:How many Brujahs does it take to change a lightbulb
A:And that [slap slap] is none of your f*cking business, bub!

Q:How many Get of Fenris Ahrouns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:One. As he is in Lupus form, his Heightened Senses tell him that a
lightbulb has burned out. He quickly changes into Homid form and enters
the room, just to notice that he can't reach the bulb. He gets by this by
changing into Glabro form. As the Ahroun touches the bulb, it shatters,
causing shards of glass to hit him. His Rage comes to the surface and he
changes into Crinos form, and tears the lamp down from the ceiling. He
leaves the room by punching a hole into the nearest wall, picks up the
house and lobs it at the nearest Pentex truck.

Q:How many members of Pentex inc. does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:None. The Company members are quickly manipulated to see in complete
darkness. The garou, who lack this advantage soon lose the battle and the
Omega Plan is complete, Pentex wins.

Q:How many Cultists of Ecstacy does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?
A: Have sex in the dark for a change!

Q:How many Ventrues does it take to change a lightbulb?

A(1):"Lightbulbs, how brutal, we use halogen lights"

A(2):"These days just one, but I remember the time when a Ventrue could
openly dominate a mortal to change it... Unfortunately in those days we
didn't have lightbulbs...
[deep sigh and endless babble of the good old days before the inquisition]"

Q: How many Wraiths does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?
A: None. The one who saw it burn out got a huge amount of Angst and
joined the Oblivion with the lamp.

Q:How many Akashic Brothers or Sisters does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?
A(1):Darkness is just a state of mind.
A(2):A tree in a golden forest.

Q:How many Fomori does it take to change a lightbulb?
A(1):"Drool... lightbulb... [crunching sound when the bulb is devoured]"
A(2):One, but it merely changes it into something green with tentacles.

Q:How many Infernalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Just one infernalist, but about two dozen mortals to fill the pact.

Q:How many Marauders does it take to change a burned out lightbulb?
A:Only one, but he burns the house too.

Q:How many Toreadors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:All of them. The burnt-out lightbulb is oh-so-beautiful!
So...beautiful...

How many Virtual Adepts does it take to change a lightbulb?... "You want
me to change a lightbulb? Just RTFM and change the &^%@#! lightbulb youself!"

How many Verbena does it take to change a lightbulb?... 13... well, or 3...
OK, 1 of she's a solitary...

How many Sons of Ether does it take to change a lightbulb?... "What do you
want it changed into?"... No, wait: how many Sons of Ether does it take to
/fix/ a lightbulb? "Oh, two: one to opperate the Transfemeration Ray
Projector and the other to reach through the bulb and repair the tungsten fillament."

How many Hermetics does it take to change a lightbulb?... "Light? You want
light? I'll show you light! "EX NUBILUM, PHOEBUS! FIAT LUX!!!"
(Everyone in the city is blinded by the flash, and the Hermetic disapears in a puff of Paradox)

How many Hollow Ones does it take to change a lightbulb?... It doesn't matter
- the lightbulb didn't go out, they just couldn't pay the Chantry's
electric bill. Besides they like the dark. Dark is cool.

How many Euthanotos does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... Two - one to
change the bulb, the other to examine him for possible /johr/-taint from
handling the 'dead' bulb...

How many Dreamspeakers does it take to change a lightbulb?... Just one,
but they don't like dealing with electricity elementals, so they usually
light a candle instead...

How many Celestial Choristers does it take to change a light bulb?... just
one but the lightbulb has to /want/ to change.

How many Ecstasy Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?... Two: they
use Correspondence 5 to get inside the lightbulb. Those wierdo's will do it anywhere...

How many Akashics does it take to change a light bulb?... One: he runs up the
wall, changes the lightbulb with one smooth motion, drops back to the floor,
and kicks you in the head for questioning his skill. (or, for the more
philosophical A/Ks: "Tie two birds together, and, though they have four
wings, they cannot fly.")

How many Marauders does it take to change a light bulb?... Just one, but I
wouldn't turn it on if I were you...

How many Nephandi does it take to change a lightbulb?... Just one, but I
/really/ woudn't turn it on if I were you.

How many Technarcs does it take to change a lightbulb?
IT-X: "Our lightbulbs are not subject to mechanical failure."
NWO: "You are not cleared for that information."
Progenitors: "Are you sure it's the lighting? Dimness of vision can be an early warning sign..."
Syndicate: "That's what we keep the Iterators around for."
Void Engineers: "What was the question? I was busy contemplating the
grandure and wonder of the universe..."