Aphorisms

1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The  hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

4. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the  radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

5. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to  pound in the correct screw.

6. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and  years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. 
-- Dave Barry

7. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian  because I hate plants. 
-- A. Whitney Brown

8. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 
-- William James

9. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. 
-- Dave Barry

10. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

11. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

12. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

13. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

14. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a  woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" 
-- Quentin Crisp

15. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two  nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights  of another. 
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

17. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. 
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

18. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

19. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your 
principles or your mistress."

20. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but  phone calls taper off. 
-- Johnny Carson

21. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but  then I realized that I had no character.
 -- Charles Barkley, on hearing  Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

22. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a  very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. 
-- D. E.  Knuth, 1967

23. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.
 -- Mark Twain

24. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University 
will allow me to award."

25. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. 
-- E. Grebenik

26. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,  but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson